The Equivalent – Emergency Training Injunction

I’ll be brief.  I’m not running my show tonight.  I’ll be in the studio, but only as an observer.

You may have noticed that I never nailed last week’s show to the drywall.  That’s because, as far as the station is concerned, last week’s show didn’t happen.  More importantly, nothing like it can ever happen again.  The trouble went beyond a question of my content to a question of my judgment.  It’s apparently bad, and I need my free will beaten out of me.  Charged with that task is Peter Flank.  It’s not my place to talk about internal station operations, but he was so highly recommended that it was literally mandatory.

I don’t really know him, but in our short meeting last night, he completely dispelled the notion that all ugly people are smart.  Amazingly, he’s overcome his various liabilities and has been a proud DJ of various freeform stations around the country for nearly five years.  His personal testimony from his myspace page reads as follows:

“A radio frequency is an empty canvas.  A DJ is a pallet, a pastiche of influences.  He draws from his own experience to draw on the mind of his listeners.  A good DJ can take a listener beyond the realm of reality to the zone of the unknown.   This is my studio.  The land of possibility is my home, and I’m inviting you in.”

What a twat.

So if I can make it through 2 hours of that bullshit and I figure out “what freeform is supposed to be” then I get my slot back.  I’ll probably be stuck manning the phone, so feel free to call in with various words of encouragement.

Right.  So here’s the conclusion of that article from last week:

(CNN) BANGOR, MN – It was a quiet winter day.  Otters frolicked.  Suddenly, a glass filled with bomb juice spilled out into a massive crater on the carpet of Southeast Canada.

Where did this (metaphorical) glass come from?  The sky, yes.  But who put it in the sky?  And why would they want to make the sky attack Halifax, the home Halifax Common and the Halifax Citadel and the Halifax Seaport Market according to Google maps?  This is a very good question to keep in mind as the article moves forward.

I’m going to hint at the answer now without explicitly stating it.  I’ll be doing that later.  For years, Maine was second only to Delaware as the most forgotten state on 3rd-grade geography tests.  That was exactly (not quite exactly) how the Maine Anti-Tourism Board wanted it.  They wanted that push into 50th place.  Ultimate obscurity was the one ultimate and final goal sort of like how some people want to be doctors.

They made a list of things.  This list contained the things that Maine was most known for.  1) Lobsters 2) The area/thing you had to cross to get into Southeast Canada 3) Vicious Hardcore Pornography

The Pornlobster Union was too strong for the military to take on mano-q-mano, but Canada wasn’t.  They focused on the that.  The Anti-Tourism Board (which, you probably figured out by now, is actually part of the military) made their move.  If there was no Southeast Canada, there would be no reason for people to cross Maine to get there.


JFK (the other one) would have been proud.  With all eyes focused on non-Maine things, Maine made moves.  Massive moves.  Moves mhich mill mark mankind more mears mo mome.

Check yourself here next day for Part III

CNN’s Mark Blurt contributed to this report.  Follow Mark on Twitter @MarkyMarkBlurt

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