The Equivalent 2/10/12 – My Apologies to Ben Affleck

Edit: No, this is not a ripoff of the running Jimmy Kimmel joke except with the other actor from Boston.  Affleck was supposed to be on, and it just didn’t happen.  This is why pencils have erasers.  He’ll be back next week.

It’s not often I make mistakes.  To be quite honest, this might be the first time.  I’m not trying to be conceited or anything, but every moment of my life up until this point has been somewhere between flawless and fantastic.  But luckily, over the course of my success marathon, I’ve found the time to prepare myself for the possibility of a twisted metaphysical ankle or a chafed inner thigh soul.  It’s paid off.

Due to circumstances entirely under my control, Ben Affleck’s starring role in Dead Air this week was exempted.  A few moments of the show ran long, and I simply couldn’t fit him in.  I felt bad at first, but after hearing the frantic, choking sobs for a few minutes I just kind of got bitter with the whole ordeal and stopped caring.  We all move on.  Except Ben.  He’ll never be the same.  Hopefully we can get him in next week.  I make no promises.

Oregon Trail was also cancelled.  This was not my fault.  I don’t know why so many people wanted Jerry Seinfeld to be in the party so threateningly bad, but that wasn’t going to happen for two main reasons.  1) “Jerry Seinfeld” goes beyond the character limit.  2) Fuck that guy.  The point of the Oregon Trail was to bring you, the listener, into my world.  Not to give you the chance to define it.  We’ll try again next week.  I expect better behavior.

Outside of that tragic inevitability, the show fit in perfectly with my customary streak of transcendental personal triumph.  Here are some highlights:

1:22 AM Stereolab Nothing to Do With Me
1:48 AM Thrice Daedelus
2:12 AM Collective Soul Shine
2:37 AM Yellow Machinegun Speak English or Die

We also have the results of tonight’s races at Northville Downs, an MST3K inspired Mattblock, and multiple instances of me screaming.  They say you shouldn’t scream when you have a sore throat.  This is just one more thing that I can do that most people can’t.

You want proof?

Hour 1: Hour 2:

There.  Enjoy.  Oh, and have a great weekend.

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